Crimes Against The Sleeve

I might have been getting a little carried away posting about movies on Standard Love Affair of late. You see I’ve been contributing music pieces to a kick ass site WWW.ELECTRICROULETTE.COM (check it out!!), so I’ve been getting my music fill there. But all that’s gonna change, I swear, take me back. TAKE ME BACK!!

Anyhooo, this post is gonna concern Album Artwork, or rather, Crimes Against Album Artwork by German metallers the Scorpions. Yeah, you know ‘Wind of Change’ or ‘Rock You Like A Hurricane’ (an obsession with air displacement?). Well, they’re also known for their hideous and inappropriate artwork. Lots got banned, lots got censored, all should have been burned. Still, these cheese-balls have sold over 75 Million albums, worldwide! Go figure.

Fly To The Rainbow: 1974


Good God! An early show of support for Gay Pride maybe? Perhaps not, but that is some sort of futuristic welder plane surfing through the brown night sky, proudly flying the Rainbow Flag. What does it mean? Let’s ask Uli Jon Roth, Scorpions guitarist:

"Don’t ask me what that cover means… I disliked it from the beginning. It looked ludicrous to me back then and looks just as bad today. It was done by a firm of designers in Hamburg, who had actually done a good job on the Lonesome Crow album before, but I think that time they failed miserably. As for the meaning, I can only guess, but I’d rather not…”

That’s right, looks like Scorpions didn’t exactly have much of a say in their art direction, with label and management pulling the strings. But if you’re not part of the solution you’re part of the problem, so let’s not exonerate the band members completely.

In Trance: 1975


3 Things that go hand in hand: Fish and Chips, Scumbags and Public Transport and Metal and Sexism. The cover of ‘In Trance’ is a beautiful (but tame in contrast to later artwork) example of the latter. This was the first of many Scorpions album covers to be censored. The record finally made it to the shelves of most regions with the lovely lady’s booby blacked out.

Virgin Killer: 1976


This is as bad as they come! I’ve posted a censored version up here so that the authorities don’t think I’m some sort of pederast. That girl on the cover (Jaqueline) is 10 years old in that picture. As if that isn’t bad enough, the Douche-bag Product Manager from RCA, Steffan Böhle, who pushed hard for this cover to happen, is a relative of the kid. It’s been debated whether or not the girl was his Niece or Daughter. Who cares? Let’s just find out where he lives and toss a firebomb through his window.

As you can imagine, an album with a naked, pre-pubescent girl on the cover called ‘Virgin Killer’ rubbed more than a few people up the wrong way. It was sold in sealed black plastic or was swapped for a different image in most countries. Jesus, even Wikipedia got in to legal wrangling because it featured on their site. Do you know what Scorpions rhythm guitarist Rudolf Schenker thought of it? He thought it was a "great thing". I think he’s a “Cunt”.

Taken By Force: 1977


It’s ’77 and the Scorpions decide to give sexist and misogynistic imagery a year off and instead decide upon a photo of 2 children with guns, shooting at each other in a military cemetery in France. Nice touch, Germans!

Tokyo Tapes: 1978


If anybody was ever unclear about the homo-erotic sub context of rock n rollers, thrashing around in leather and aiming their big, electrified phalluses at each other, please allow the Scorpions to clue you in.

Love Drive: 1979


This one is probably best summed up by the guy who created it, Storm Thorgerson: "Not exactly the most politically correct scene you've ever seen. I thought it was funny but women read a different inflection into it now." Playboy Magazine voted it ‘Best Album Sleeve of 1979’. Score!

Animal Magnetism: 1980


Again, super-intellectual Storm Thorgerson, ladies and gentlemen: "That one was funny. I don't think we figured it out. We just knew there was something rude somewhere."

Love At First Sting: 1984


It was major US retailer Wal-Mart that took exception to the cover of ‘84’s ‘Love At First Sting’, depicting a dude simultaneously making out with/tattooing the thigh of this hottie. Polygram, as with many previous Scorpions albums, were forced to issue a “Clean Cover”. You see, when the company that sells the majority of your albums in the USA decides that your record is offensive, you bend over and let them be the daddy. Funnily enough, the Scorpions artwork lost its overly sexual tones following this little incident. They just got crapper.

Moment of Glory: 2000


Following in the footsteps of Metallica’s celebrated collaboration with the San Francisco Symphony on ‘S&M’, the Scorpions decided to take up an offer from the impressive Berlin Philharmonic (first extended in ’95), to perform together. The results were released as the 10 track ‘Moment of Glory’. How did Scorpions decide to celebrate their collaboration with this distinguished orchestra? By releasing the fruits on an album with a T-Rex wearing women’s jewellery on the cover. ‘Moment of Glory’ indeed.

Like I said earlier, after Wal-Mart objected to the sexual nature of Scorpions artwork, their covers went from being Badly Misogynistic to just plain old Bad. Here’s a selection from the rest of their catalogue, enjoy (if you can).