Fangs For The Memories!

I was doing some research on IMDB recently when I came across the profile for a super-low budget, student movie called ‘Avenging Disco Vampires’. It’s a vampire gang movie where ‘The Bloods’ and ‘The Crypts’ (So bad!) battle it out in an old barn that one of the gangs uses as a disco for the undead. The trailer was so shit that it’s not even worth the effort of posting it up here, but the concept of battling Vampire Gangs did get me thinking of my favourite cinematic blood-sucking posses. Here they are!

The Lost Boys



An easy and obvious choice to start off with, but I’m listing them first because our second gang relies on this movie. Obviously ‘The Lost Boys’ was one of the most kick-ass teen movies of the 80’s, packed with bankable young Hollywood roll-a-rounds like Kiefer Sutherland and the two Coreys, as well as the obligatory super hot teen chick in Jamie Gertz. It’s funny, jumpy, cheesy, stuffed with horrendous 80’s fashion, a killer soundtrack and amazing quotes: “My own brother, a goddamn shit sucking vampire. Well you wait until Mom finds out!”



Initially, David’s (Sutherland) gang of cock-rocking vampires come off a bit camp, what with the poodle rock hair do’s and earrings. But that all changes when they pull up on their killer motorcycles and tear up the beach en-route to massacre the Surf-Nazi’s around a campfire, revealing themselves as vampires for the first time.



The way they slaughter their rival gang by swooping down on them from a tree and peeling their scalps off, tearing their throats out and dumping their mutilated bodies on the fire before nonchalantly walking back up the hill in bloodied human form and announcing “Now you know what we are, now you know what you are” is one of the highlights of the film.


Of course, every good vampire gang needs a good leader and Kieffer Sutherland doesn’t disappoint as the charismatic, peroxide mulletted David (although it turns out that he’s not the head vampire). The Lost Boys also score high on the strength of their lair, an old cliff top hotel that was swallowed up into the ground by an earthquake. At night they stalk the eerily lit boardwalk of Santa Carla preying on everything from fat Security Guards to (in true horror film fashion) couples making out. Unfortunately they never murder the muscle-bound sax player with Michael Bolton hair who turned up in Tina Turner videos during the 80’s.

Near Dark



Oh boy, this is my favourite vampire movie of all time, where the word ‘vampire’ is never uttered and none of the usual vamp references (fangs, flight, shape shifting) or killing methods (crucifix, garlic, holy water) apply. Instead, what we are given is a vampire cowboy movie, where a dysfunctional family of blood bolting drifters travel the flatlands of the US getting pissed on claret and hinting at a long existence.



If you’ve never heard of ‘Near Dark’, it’s probably because it had the unfortunate luck of being released a couple of months after ‘The Lost Boys’. The latter had more big name starts, a bigger budget and was aimed at the teen audience whereas ‘Near Dark’ was a broodingly dark and violent modern day Western, bereft of pop culture references and with a more macabre sense of humour. It also suffered from lack of promotion after release, failing to recoup its budget and slipping off the radar.

This family of bloodsuckers is headed up by the excellent Lars Henriksen who plays the ancient ‘Jesse Hooker’ (“Let's put it this way: I fought for the South. We lost.”) , alongside his onscreen squeeze ‘Diamondback’ (Jenette Goldstein). Check them out below after a scorching from the morning sun.



Another key member of the gang is the show-stealing ‘Severn’ (Bill Paxton), the sadistic maniac of the bunch who loves to toy with his prey because it makes them “Taste Better”. Paxton, Henriksen and Goldstein also starred alongside each other in ‘Alien’, which is showing at a cinema in one of the towns that the family rolls through. Paxton excels in a scene where the group take out a bar full of bikers and cowboys, slashing the bartender’s throat with his spurs and proclaiming the resulting spurt of the red stuff to be “finger-lickin’ good!”



Vehicle wise, the gang steals a number of motor-homes and vans as they go along, blacking out the windows with spray paint, gaffer tape and tin foil whenever they get caught out in the daylight. There are some great scenes of the vamps burning up in the sunlight and shots of the sparse landscape that gives the feel of a story being played out in an uninhabited land.



This really is a great film folks, a welcome drift from the usual vampire flick clichés and was directed by ‘Point Break’ Helmswoman Katherine Bigelow, as her debut feature. Nice to see the ladies getting in on the horror action! Buy it! Buy it now and lend it to me as I seem to have misplaced my copy!

30 Days of Night



I’ve only just come across this movie in the last 12 months, initially giving it a wide berth on release because of Josh Hartnett’s run as the main character. How wrong was I? Very wrong! Hartnett is ok, but it’s the gang of vampires, ‘The Nosferatu’ and settings that reign supreme.



‘30 Days of Night’ is set in the Alaskan town of Barlow, where for a month each year, the area is plunged in to darkness. When said time of year rolls around, most of the townsfolk split for lighter climes but there remains a skeleton community, including the sheriff, Hartnett. The place is buried under snow (which up’s any movie’s ‘creepy rating’ straight away) and when a large, mysterious ship drops anchor out in the ice sheets, you know there’s going to be trouble! Subsequently, this ship is a nod towards Bram Stoker’s ‘Dracula’, who also arrived on new land in a ship (also copied in the 1929 silent film ‘Nosferatu’).



So, as you can guess, the sun goes down, the vampires come out and start their 30 day feast. ‘The Nosferatu’ are a terrifying bunch lead by Holly Johnson look-a-like ‘Marlow’, speaking in a gut churning ancient dialect and dressed like 1950’s Eastern European proles. They’re fast, intelligent and bloodthirsty without remorse. They’re there to feed, then leave.



The violence is swift and brutal, and once ‘The Nosferatu’ have knocked out the electricity supply to the town, goings on look a lot worse in the glow of the snow. Hartnett does his best to save the remaining townsfolk from the savages, but ends up having to kill a few of his own before they turn into vampires themselves. There’s a brilliant scene where he has to decapitate his friend and colleague with an axe, which takes several swings.
Check! Out! This! Shit!

There’s also a great nod to the legend of the vampire, as the ‘Nosferatu’ look to slay everybody in town and then flee without turning any of the towns folk and leaving the returning community in the dark as to what wiped out the town, perpetuating the ‘myth’ of the vampire. That’s some classy shit!

The Lost Boys may have the bikes; Near Dark the spurs and shades, but ‘The Nosferatu’ have got the scares, and that’s what it’s all about!



Talking about blood-sucking in the snow, keep your eyes peeled for the release of Swedish vamp flick ‘Let The Right One In’. It’s going to be the highlight of the year!

Sneaker Gimmicks: The Good, The Bad and the LA Gear!

So I was at my local Supermarket on the weekend, and this little kid comes whizzing past me and rounds the corner of the toiletries aisle, travelling at a decent speed on a pair of those roller shoes with the wheels in the soles. She must have been about 10 years old with more balance than I could muster on my deck when I finally put it down around the age of 15.

I managed to subdue my jealous rage long enough to wonder if I was that age, would I have a pair of those? I was always down on roller-skates because the looked so girlie and Rollerblades made me want to puke. But the wheels on these roller shoes were nicely concealed within the shoe and could be dropped like landing gear. That would have been attractive, but unfortunately, the shoes that housed these gimmicks were pig ugly. That got me thinking again, about all the gimmicky sports shoes that were marketed to me and my generation as kids. Then the nostalgia really kicked in like a hot quilted wave of morphine. The past is my junk, y’all!

First up, I’m not a sneaker ‘Head’, but I do love my kicks! I recently hooked up with a pair of gold and black Yo! MTV Rap’s Puma Clyde MC Shan editions (with the Brooklyn Bridge in black suede around the heel). My girlfriend hated them, but then she got on board Christmas time when she got me a pair of Metallic Silver Nike Blazers. Welcome on board Baby!



Both these shoes are redux versions of models from back in the day, just updated with a bit of colour but keeping the vintage look. However, manufacturers also seem to be keen on updating the gimmicks of the past, which, in hindsight, look ugly and awkward these days. So let’s start with the re-launch of....................drum roll...................................LA GEAR LIGHTS!


Here’s the old ones, remember when these came out? Shit, lights in your daps? That was pretty far out! Although, I feel that I need to add that while the concept of Red LED’s flashing in your shoe every time your foot hit the floor may sound kinda fun, in reality, LA Gear Lights and LA Gear in general, were far from cool.

Here’s the advert for the re-launch of lights. The ad looks good.....that’s about it.


A quick note on the extent of LA Gear’s un-coolness: They had a line of Michael Jackson endorsed sneakers in the 80’s. You’d bet that at that time, a pair of trainers worn by the King of Pop, THE GREATEST ENTERTAINER WE’VE EVER HAD, in his PRIME, would be shifting significant units and would be (amongst the kids at least) getting some props. The fact that LA Gear also had Paula Abdul on the payroll and her Editions for girls (The Sunblossoms!!!!!), outsold Wacko’s ‘Moon Rockers’ goes to show what kind of Rep LA Gear had.



Lately I’ve been noticing lot’s of ‘Smart Shoes’ on the racks. Adidas have their ‘1’ range, which feature a microprocessor that can make 5 Million calculations per second, recognises what kind of ground you are running on and adjusts their cushion systems accordingly! Here they are. I’m not sure I can get behind a trainer that I need to turn on/off or insert batteries in to. In theory, they should make Converse Chuck Taylor’s look like the Swiss Clogs, but instead end up coming off like the supercomputer from War Games. “Do You Want To Play”? No!

Another jogger smart shoe on the shelves at the moment is the Nike + range, which link up to your I POD and send data on your workout to your unit. I’m not sure I need that kind of info from my shoes, but while this sounds a bit space age, Nike weren’t the first shoe manufacturers to develop this concept. Check out the Puma RS Computer Shoe!!!!



Super 80’s! You needed an Apple computer to download your data from the shoe’s onboard pedometer. Check out the 16 Pin Connector. Does that look like the controller connector from the Sega Master System to anybody else? Woof!

Puma also made a hair brained attempt to revolutionise the lacing systems in sports shoes by introducing the badly designed ‘Puma Disc’ system. A friend of mine had a pair of these and the plastic fishing line that they used to pull the shoe tight under the disc snapped almost immediately, rendering the shoe floppy and useless.



Adidas were pretty consistent in their development of the sports shoe as well, offering things like interchangeable coloured Neoprene Socks which slip in to the shell of their basket ball boot (no good for outdoor ballin’ when the rain starts fallin’), the Adidas ‘Torsion Bar’, a cut out of the sole, which was supposed to allow the shoe to bend and twist with the contours of your foot (step in a Dog Egg with these on and you knew all about it!); and the Adidas ‘Predator’ football boot (both with studs and in Astroturf versions). These had cleated blades on and around the toe for ‘Curling’ the ball, as promoted by David Beckham. As far as I can remember, Beckham was able to curl the ball just fine without a boot that looked like Shane MacGowan’s smile.



Of course, we couldn’t go through the annals of Kickology without giving an honourable mention to the Reebok Pump’s! Awwww, bless dear Reebok, their shoes were damn ugly. Even their ‘Classic’ range was dogshit, and that’s supposed to be your ‘Banker Design’. The only thing that Reebok ever did right was the Basketball shoe, and they more than made up for their gross range with the Reebok Pump!

The idea that inflating your shoes was going to allow you serious ‘Up’s’ was always going to be a tough one to sell. But for sheer coolness of the pump idea, Reebok, I salute you! Once these babies’s became super popular with the ballers, Reebok started rolling the range out to other sports like Tennis. Check out the ‘Court Victory Michael Chang’ (remember him?) editions below with the B-Ball Pump replaced with a Tennis Ball. Then they got super gimmicky with the launch of the Reebok ‘Glow’ line, which I thought were Kick-ass (in a Tron way), though I really dug the black, white and red ‘Paydirts’ the most!



Of course, no sports shoe manufacturer can, or ever will be able to hold a candle to Nike. The undisputed KING OF THE KICKS! I guess their association with Michael Jordan was the biggest shot in the arm you could ever get. Their Air Jordan’s, as far as I’m concerned, are the cornerstone of ‘Street Wear’ and should rank as one of the Untouchable Classics of late 20th century fashion. Check out a quick evolution of the Air Jordan below.



Of course there was more to Nike than the Air Jordan. Rollcall: Air Force, Air Max, Dunks, Flights, Zoom, SB’s....the list runs away with your girl and your dog!

I remember when the Nike Air Max 180’s came out like it was yesterday. The cornerstone of Nike development has always been the Air Bubble since they developed it back in 79, but for the 180 they dropped it down from the mid sole until it was flush with the ground and visible from below. Woooooooooooooooooo, that blew my mind. So did the colours, white, blue and PINK! A bold move in ’91. All my friends were crazy over this shoe, but there was only one kid at our school who had a pair. You know those kids who get everything, he was one of those guys. What did the Douchebag do? He used to play football on the tarmac with them on and purposefully drag his shoes on the ground until the toes ripped and the bubble popped. Broke my heart in two!

Forget that guy though, ‘cause I also had a pair of Nike’s that nobody else had, the little known Nike Air Force Command PUMPS! I found them at a market and was blown away by the fact that Nike had developed a Pump, but kept it on the downlow (so to speak) so not to look like they were ripping Reebok off. I snapped them up relatively cheap and then wowed my pals. The pump was on the side of the boot and there was a little black button at the back for deflating the air pockets. They also came in white and (a rad!) neon yellow with black paint splashes. God I wish I still had them.

The shoes developed a cred of their own when ‘White Men Can’t Jump’ was released and Woody Harelsson was the only other guy to be rocking a pair.

It was another Nike shoe that introduced me to one of my best friends, still best buds to this day some 16 or so years later. When I bumped in to this short nerdy kid from my school on a dinner break and saw he had the same pair of grey and red suede Nike Court Force high tops as me, I asked him where he got them. “Vegas” apparently! I got mine in Cardiff and thought he was a cunt. Here’s me and him today, ‘Bro’s Before Ho’s!!

The Lost Art of Poster Art

Remember when you were a kid and you used to hang around in your local video store (mad props to Terry at Gelli Video!), scanning the shelves for hours, taking in all the titles and making lists of the movies you were going to watch, and in what order? No? Surely not just me?



Anyway, back in those days, (and I’m talking about the 80’s/early 90’s here...again), the poster or cover artwork of a film that I’d never heard of, never read the synopsis to, never heard of the star, could bend my mind to the point of obsession. Maniac Cop 2 (below) was a personal favourite!



Let’s jump straight to the point here. I guess what I’m getting at is that the art of poster art is dead. Since Photoshop reared its ugly head, every gimp with a Mac is a ‘graphic designer’. What happened to the illustrator’s man? The guys that used to create those kooky old movie posters that seem to make the heroes more heroic, monsters more terrifying, turn ladies in to vixens. Here’s an example. Check out how great Bridget Nielsen looks on the poster to Red Sonja (bad remake coming soon folks!!) compared to what she looks like in the movie. She’s the bomb in Rocky 4 tho!



And check out this poster for the film Madman, which had me shitting my pants as a kid. The thought of Madman Marz sitting in a tree outside my bedroom window turned me into a sobbing little fool!



But when he finally appears in the film, check out the shit make up job we’re landed with. He looks like Santa in a K Hole. What a jip!



The actual quality of the film doesn’t matter; we’re talking about the artwork here. If great artwork on an album can coerce you in to buying it, an aural medium which can never represent the art on the sleeve, then you know a great film cover will have you snatching it from the racks.

Look at the poster for the blockbuster vampire flick Twilight.



Now check out the poster for 80’s vampire love story Near Dark. It’s not an illustration, but I think I’ve illustrated my point. Which would you rather see?



Back in the day, good artwork sold films. Now we have access to trailers on TV, online, even on our phones. I guess this kinda negates the need for eye catching posters. Boo-Hoo for us!

Jesus, I’ve gone off on one completely. This post was intended to shine a light on some classic Sylvester Stallone illustrated posters. Here they are. “Noyce one Slllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy”!

Reign Supreme: Shawn Kemp

So for anybody reading this who’s known me since my teenage years, you’ll know I was shit-crazy for basketball and all its baggage! Crazy to the extent that during the week of my GCSE Exams, I spent every night at an outdoor court practicing my free throws, most of the time in the dark. End result, few qualifications and a free throw average that was, well...average (don’t practice in the dark kids!). It doesn’t matter so much as everything has turned out just fine, although around ’99 I fell out of love with basketball. But that’s a story for another day.

This post is in honour of one of the most exciting players to have ever graced the hardwood courts of the NBA, Shawn Kemp.



I’m not sure I should use the word ‘honour’, as he was also a total fuck-up who’s fathered a reported 19 kids and has the reputation that comes with that kind “achievement”! But during an 8 year spell at the Seattle Supersonics, Kemp was one of the most devastating and exciting dunkers in the league. He even got nicknamed ‘The Reign Man’, because when he went up hard, he reigned down on you. Check out the highlight reel below from an NBA Superstars video that I used to have, with a backing from Pearl Jam. This is some serious shit!




So Kemp used to play for the Sonics right, and his partner in crime at the franchise was a Point Guard called Gary Payton who as quick as cheetah farts would throw up alley-oop passes from the half way line for horny Shawny to slam home with a reverse or a tomahawk, usually levelling a defender and hanging over him off the rim, grabbing his balls like a dude in a rush to have 19 children. Pure entertainment! Here’s Kemp Reigning down another perpetual fuck-up, Dennis Rodman. Rodman makes Shaw Kemp look as holy as a line of Mother Teresa endorsed chastity belts, but he couldn’t jam like the Reign Man. Few could.

You see, NBA scouts were rocking up to Kemp’s games while he was still in High School in Indiana. He was supposed to head to the University of Kentucky to play college ball before stepping up the big time, but he got booted out before the season even started for stealing and pawning a team mate’s necklace. He eventually made the jump straight to the Pro’s from school, signing a long term deal with the Sonics, which would come back to bite him in the ass! When the salary of NBA players started to shoot through the roof in the second half of the 90’s, Kemp was still stuck on a lower wage as stipulated in his contract, even though he was their star player.

After throwing his toys out of the pram, he got traded to the Cleveland Cavaliers for a few seasons, slamming on the weight until he hit 278lbs and getting shipped out to another team, the Portland Trailblazers. He suffered problems with his weight as well as hitting the booze and drugs hard, finishing his first season in rehab. He made another go at it with the Orlando Magic, but didn’t last the season.

In 2005 he got busted with coke, dope and a semiautomatic in Washington, and again with the sticky-sticky in Houston a year later.

He was offered trials with a few different NBA teams after reportedly sorting himself out, but failed to even turn up to train. Kemp announced that he would play in Italy for Premiata Montegranaro, but was sacked before the season even got under way.

Such a shame, this dude lit up my life in the 90’s. He even rocked the coolest kicks in the cave. Just check out these floor-hounds for a fresh blast of nostalgia!



One of his army of sprogs, Shawn Kemp Jnr, has already been tipped as a future NBA star, and is currently rated as one of the top Centre’s playing High School ball in the US. Let’s hope, in the long run, he fares a little better than his old man.

But, let’s not forget that from 89 – 97, Shawn Kemp Reigned Supreme!

80's Badasses!

If you grew up in the 80's like me, you'll probably a little fond of(if not infatuated with) so-bad-they're-good 80's action movies! Roll Call: Commando, Beverly Hills Cop, No Retreat No Surrender, Bloodsport, American Ninja, Best of the Best, Die Hard, Highlander, Lethal Weapon, Red Heat, Mad Max, Red Dawn, Robocop, The Running Man, They Live......Jesus, I could go on and on, I imagine that you could to.



It's wrong of me to label these movies 'So Bad They're Good', I guess. I mean, the 80's was a great time for movies. You could produce a film which may have some cheesy dialogue, bad acting and a script full of holes, but it would still be pretty entertaining, right? Commando! Studios were willing to take a punt!

Unfortunately another Arnie film turned this on its head, Terminator 2: Judgement Day. This film was the biggest baddest motherfucker to ever come along. It had the biggest star, the best effects, a kick-ass predecessor and one hell of a story. Shit, it even had Guns N Roses! Overnight, T2 changed it all.

Now the studios were battling to outdo each other in spectacular fashion with bigger bangs, bigger budgets and the biggest stars. This ripped the heart out of the movie biz and gave birth to the over produced Blockbusters and douche-bag leading men like Colin Farrell and Ben Affleck that we suffer today. This shit snowballed out of control until it reached its zenith, and the biggest movie ever exploded in 3 parts all over our lives. In terms of story, casting, make up, effects, sound....Lord of the Rings will NEVER be topped! And that's bad news, because it changes our perception of what passes for an entertaining movie these days. Case in point, I went to see The Spirit last week, and even though it had great style, a great cast AND Eva Mendez, I still felt it was a bit loose and this hampered my enjoyment of the flick. Blockbusters....you did this to me! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Of course, now and again Hollywood will try and make a film in the vein of the loose old 80's action flick, but will promote it as 'tongue in cheek', so everybody knows it's supposed to be intentionally ropey. Hello 'Snakes On a Plane'!

Anyway, I'm ranting now, so I'll get to the purpose of this post. The awesome 'Cobra' starring Sly Stallone was on TV the other night, and I stayed up late to watch it. My VHS copy died a long time ago. Anyway, the leader of the New World, The Night Slasher (bed wetter?) was a guy called Brian Thompson, who's one of those dudes who always seems to play the villain. Imagine that as a career, the perpetual murderer/rapist/kidnapper? That shit has got to stick!

So follows a Tribute to the guys who always get cast as the Bad Guy in 80's action flicks. Gentlemen, we salute you!


Brian Thompson:
Best Villainous Role: Night Slasher - Cobra
Characteristics: Muscle Bound Jaw/Everything

This mammoth of the Villains is probably best known for his turn as the psychopathic leader of The New World in Sly Stallone's renegade cop ham-fest Cobra! The only thing more frightening than his dead stare and ugly missus is his weapon of choice, the (ironically named) Cobra Knife. Other notable Baddie roles include Bozwoth, the moth eating Vampire's chauffer in Fright Night 2, an evil German (is there any other kind?) in The Three Amigos and one of the street punks that Arnie robs of their threads in the beginning of Terminator. "Nice night for a walk"? Not in the bollocky my friend!



Bolo Yeung
Best Villainous Role: Chong Li - Bloodsport
Characteristics: Bodybuilder physique and lightening quick Kung Fu Moves

Bolo Yeung first hit the big time when Bruce Lee cast him as Bolo in Enter The Dragon and he would quickly rack up tons of roles in Chinese Kung Fu movies over the next decade, always as the bad guy. His role as the spine-breaking, lime-throwing Kumite champion, Chong Li, in Jean Claude Van Damme's 'Bloodsport' broke him in to Hollywood. He would face 'The Muscles from Brussels' (and his twin) once again in Double Impact as the scarfaced Moon. This movie was set in Hong Kong, where (if you believe the legend) Bolo swam to from China in order to escape communism. Bloody deserter!


Al Leong
Best Villainous Role: Endo - Lethal Weapon
Characteristics: Weasel Skull!

A true movie henchman of legendary proportions, Al Leong has been cast as a 'nameless mook' in many a fine flick, but he really excels when torturing Mel Gibson with an electric sponge in Lethal Weapon. Other notable roles in Big Trouble in Little China, Die Hard, Beverly Hills Cop 3, Last Action Hero and Black Rain pale in comparison to the his role as history’s biggest badass, Genghis Kahn! Sadly this came in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, meaning he only got to decapitate a mannequin in a Shopping Mall. Reports that Keanu Reeves served as an understudy to the mannequin are probably false, but entirely believable.


Randall Tex Cobb
Best Villainous Role: Leonard Smalls – Raising Arizona
Characteristics: Hair, lots of hair!

You’ll find that most of the guys who pop up as villains in the 80’s usually have some sort of background in violent sports. For Randall Tex Cobb, it was boxing, and shit... what a boxer! How about 13 straight Pro wins by KO in 2 years? How about a run of 20 straight wins when he returned to the ring in his 40’s? How about I stop pretending to know what I’m on about? Deal.

Randall was the ultimate bad-ass bounty hunter in Raising Arizona, all shotguns, grenades and rode a mean hog to boot. So iconic was his character that he was used as inspiration for the bounty hunter in the Sponge Bob movie. That’s respect! He also treads the path of the badass in Fletch Lives, The Golden Child and Police Academy 4, as well as returning to the ring to battle Louis Gosset Jr in the criminally underrated Midnight Sting (Diggstown if you’re reading this Stateside). He’s big. He’s bad. He’s hairy. He’s good with babies! Like your mother-in-law.