If you grew up in the 80's like me, you'll probably a little fond of(if not infatuated with) so-bad-they're-good 80's action movies!
Roll Call: Commando, Beverly Hills Cop, No Retreat No Surrender, Bloodsport, American Ninja, Best of the Best, Die Hard, Highlander, Lethal Weapon, Red Heat, Mad Max, Red Dawn, Robocop, The Running Man, They Live......Jesus, I could go on and on, I imagine that you could to.
It's wrong of me to label these movies 'So Bad They're Good', I guess. I mean, the 80's was a great time for movies. You could produce a film which may have some cheesy dialogue, bad acting and a script full of holes, but it would still be pretty entertaining, right?
Commando! Studios were willing to take a punt!
Unfortunately another Arnie film turned this on its head,
Terminator 2: Judgement Day. This film was the biggest baddest motherfucker to ever come along. It had the biggest star, the best effects, a kick-ass predecessor and one hell of a story. Shit, it even had
Guns N Roses! Overnight, T2 changed it all.
Now the studios were battling to outdo each other in spectacular fashion with bigger bangs, bigger budgets and the biggest stars. This ripped the heart out of the movie biz and gave birth to the over produced Blockbusters and douche-bag leading men like Colin Farrell and Ben Affleck that we suffer today. This shit snowballed out of control until it reached its zenith, and the biggest movie ever exploded in 3 parts all over our lives.
In terms of story, casting, make up, effects, sound....Lord of the Rings will NEVER be topped! And that's bad news, because it changes our perception of what passes for an entertaining movie these days. Case in point, I went to see
The Spirit last week, and even though it had great style, a great cast
AND Eva Mendez, I still felt it was a bit loose and this hampered my enjoyment of the flick. Blockbusters....you did this to me! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Of course, now and again Hollywood will try and make a film in the vein of the loose old 80's action flick, but will promote it as 'tongue in cheek', so everybody knows it's supposed to be intentionally ropey.
Hello 'Snakes On a Plane'!
Anyway, I'm ranting now, so I'll get to the purpose of this post. The awesome
'Cobra' starring
Sly Stallone was on TV the other night, and I stayed up late to watch it. My VHS copy died a long time ago. Anyway, the leader of the New World, The Night Slasher (bed wetter?) was a guy called
Brian Thompson, who's one of those dudes who always seems to play the villain. Imagine that as a career, the perpetual murderer/rapist/kidnapper? That shit has got to stick!
So follows a Tribute to the guys who always get cast as the Bad Guy in 80's action flicks. Gentlemen, we salute you!
Brian Thompson:
Best Villainous Role: Night Slasher - Cobra
Characteristics: Muscle Bound Jaw/Everything
This mammoth of the Villains is probably best known for his turn as the psychopathic leader of The New World in Sly Stallone's renegade cop ham-fest
Cobra! The only thing more frightening than his dead stare and ugly missus is his weapon of choice, the (ironically named) Cobra Knife. Other notable Baddie roles include Bozwoth, the moth eating Vampire's chauffer in
Fright Night 2, an evil German (is there any other kind?) in
The Three Amigos and one of the street punks that Arnie robs of their threads in the beginning of
Terminator. "Nice night for a walk"? Not in the bollocky my friend!
Bolo Yeung
Best Villainous Role: Chong Li - Bloodsport
Characteristics: Bodybuilder physique and lightening quick Kung Fu Moves
Bolo Yeung first hit the big time when Bruce Lee cast him as Bolo in
Enter The Dragon and he would quickly rack up tons of roles in Chinese Kung Fu movies over the next decade, always as the bad guy. His role as the spine-breaking, lime-throwing Kumite champion, Chong Li, in
Jean Claude Van Damme's 'Bloodsport' broke him in to Hollywood. He would face 'The Muscles from Brussels' (and his twin) once again in
Double Impact as the scarfaced Moon. This movie was set in Hong Kong, where (if you believe the legend) Bolo swam to from China in order to escape communism. Bloody deserter!
Al Leong
Best Villainous Role: Endo - Lethal Weapon
Characteristics: Weasel Skull!
A true movie henchman of legendary proportions, Al Leong has been cast as a 'nameless mook' in many a fine flick, but he really excels when torturing Mel Gibson with an electric sponge in
Lethal Weapon. Other notable roles in
Big Trouble in Little China, Die Hard, Beverly Hills Cop 3, Last Action Hero and
Black Rain pale in comparison to the his role as history’s biggest badass,
Genghis Kahn! Sadly this came in
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, meaning he only got to decapitate a mannequin in a Shopping Mall. Reports that Keanu Reeves served as an understudy to the mannequin are probably false, but entirely believable.
Randall Tex Cobb
Best Villainous Role: Leonard Smalls – Raising Arizona
Characteristics: Hair, lots of hair!
You’ll find that most of the guys who pop up as villains in the 80’s usually have some sort of background in violent sports. For Randall Tex Cobb, it was boxing, and shit... what a boxer! How about 13 straight Pro wins by KO in 2 years? How about a run of 20 straight wins when he returned to the ring in his 40’s? How about I stop pretending to know what I’m on about? Deal.
Randall was the ultimate bad-ass bounty hunter in
Raising Arizona, all shotguns, grenades and rode a mean hog to boot. So iconic was his character that he was used as inspiration for the bounty hunter in the
Sponge Bob movie. That’s respect! He also treads the path of the badass in
Fletch Lives, The Golden Child and
Police Academy 4, as well as returning to the ring to battle Louis Gosset Jr in the criminally underrated
Midnight Sting (
Diggstown if you’re reading this Stateside). He’s big. He’s bad. He’s hairy. He’s good with babies! Like your mother-in-law.
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